The Very Secret Logs of Star Trek
by hydenzou
Summary: These are the very secret logs of the Star Trek Enterprise. Our goal is to proudly go where no man has gone before. In more ways than one. Kirk/Enterprise. One-sided: Scotty/Enterprise, Sulu/Chekov, Uhura/Sulu, Kirk/Spock, Enterprise/Sulu
1. Entrapment: The Setup

This is our first time writing Star Trek fic - but thanks to the reboot movie, we are jumping on the joyride! Amelie is Kirk, Chekov, Uhura and McCoy. Scarecrowslady is Spock, Enterprise, Sulu and Scotty. We hope you'll enjoy!

Read and review!!!

**The Very Secret Logs of Star Trek**

**by scarecrowslady and amelie**

**Chapter 1: En-trapmen-t: The Setup**

_Captain's Log_

_Stardate: 1513.1_

The Enterprise has arrived at M113. We will be going to the planet's surface to visit doctors Robert and Nancy Crater. Apparently, this Nancy is an ex of McCoy's. Can't wait to see what type he goes for. After all, he has been divorced, twice, must have some taste.

In other news, I'm quite taken with this new ship. She really is something! Proud to call her mine. The warp capabilities alone...

I know Spock would say I'm forming an illogical emotional attachment to an inanimate object, but I can't help it. She's just so beautiful!

Shirt Status: In tact

_First Officer's Log_

_Stardate: 1513.1_

We have successfully arrived at Planet M113. The Captain and the landing party has made contact with the archaeologists working there. I must note that the Captain has been behaving irregularly in the past few days. Perhaps there is some strange cultural explanation for the looks he has been giving the Doctor.

_Enterprise Log_

_Stardate: 1513.1_

As per the course laid in, I have arrived safely at Planet M113. This brings me a great feeling of well-being, for my mission continues with good fortune - and who could not be with a Captain such that I have? I have compared him against many others - and cannot find him wanting in the least.

Tall, handsome, blond with intense blue eyes and a well-muscled, healthy body. Prime material for the procreation of human species.

Was pleased to note that the evil creature did not succeed in destroying my beloved captain.

Hits taken: None.

_Doctor's Log_

_Stardate: 1513.1_

I've been dreading this meeting for a month. now I'm excited as a damn teenager. Never thought to see Nancy again. Looking forward to it in a way. After all, I took a look at her husband's photos and let me say I'm feeling pretty good about my thirty some odd years.

* * *

Just returned from seeing Nancy. She's just as I remembered her. Unbelievable, really. I mean it has been ten years, and time isn't usually so kind to females. Of course southern gentlemen don't actually say these things aloud.

Her husband on the other hand, looks even older than his photo.

Didn't figure Nancy as the type to go for such an older man, but maybe she needed someone safe afterward...

Kirk kept giving me weird looks. I've been noticing those sly smiles all week. Thought it might just be my imagination, but mentioned the man's heightened levels of, and I quote the Vulcan, "vicarious enjoyment" to "experience reuniting with one's mate".

Green-blooded freak... has a point... damn...

_Captain's Log Supplemental_

_Stardate: 1513.1_

Back on my ship, thank goodness. I never feel as safe as I do, surrounded by her solid bulk heads and taupe carpeting.

But I digress. The real purpose of the mission was on complete success. Bones was a total jelly fish around around his ex. he can talk about southern charm all he wants - but I know a whipped man when I see one and Bones is whipped. Excuse me while I give into a fit of giggles.

In other news, crewman died with the only symptom being extremely unattractive boils. Should probably investigate. Will talk to Spock.

_Helm's Man's Log_

_Stardate: 1513.1_

V.v. bizarre day. My darling plants were upset by some strange creature masquerading as a hag. Totally in poor taste. So unlovely. But I calmed my loverly flowers down. Also, there was some totally weird behavior in the cafe. A strain. I must say. Am I surrounded by Philistines? Was very happy to set course at the end. Yes, indeed.

Fashion check: tolerable

_Doctor's Log Supplemental_

_Stardate: 1513.1_

Nancy's dead! She's actually dead! I just can't believe it. I suspect her husband. He gave me a couple of green looks.

* * *

Saints above! Nancy's alive! She's asking for my help and unghhhh.....

_Communication Officer's Log_

_Stardate: 1513.1_

A killer, McCoy's ex, and a man who speaks Swahili. What a day. There I was, minding my business, when out of nowhere out pops this gorgeous crew member. I'd never seen him before, and he made me uncomfortable. He was so intense. But, then he began speaking my native tongue. I haven't heard Swahili for seven years - not since joining Star Fleet. Then it was just like I spaced. I couldn't stop looking into his eyes. The Captain called for me then. Bummer to leave. Looked for that crewman later, never found him. So sad.

_First Officer's Log_

_Stardate: 1513.1_

The creature, after causing much disturbance on the ship has been finally laid to rest. I am perturbed by my behavior in the Doctor's quarters - not so much the fact that I laid violent hands on a female - but rather my hurried actions that may have been incorrectly interpreted as panic. I am certain the Doctor will comment about the illogicality of my actions - but my rationale was solid.

However, it is over. The Captain - and the crew - are safe once again from danger. It appears as though our mission will continue.

Live long and prosper.

_Caption's Log Extra Supplemental_

_Stardate: 1513.1_

Only Bones would manage to mix his love for medicine and the woman he once loved into a plague! Had to wrestle the crazed alien for my friend's life. And what did he do? Stand there!

I had octopus suckers on my face, and he stood there like a guppie.

Thank goodness Spock was there! My best friend saves the day, again. I really have to watch this trend.

_Engineer's Log_

_Stardate: 1513.1_

Nothing of great import. All engines green. Some kerfuffle over a woman. As usual, the bonny laddies and lassies are having a time of it. Hope this will not disturb my beauty. The Enterprise does not deserve the ruckus. Scotty, out.

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The title of this story is related to the "Very Secret Diaries of Lord of the Rings". Which means that those who have read this - will totally know where this is headed. :P NOT THE SPOCK/UHURA way. Just to warn you. :P


	2. Naked Time!

Thanks so much for the reviews! We much appreciate it!

AkashaiZ: I think you should first check out the Very Secret Diaries of Lord of the Rings before reading any further.

Anubis-is-alive: Thanks! I hope you enjoy this segment!

Turkeyplatter: (_amelie_) Thanks for the encouragement, TP.

**

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The Very Secret Logs of Star Trek**

**by scarecrowslady and amelie**

**Chapter 2: NAKED TIME!!!**

_First Officer's Log_

_Stardate 1704.2_

Our initial survey of planet Psi 2000 has indeed left us with more questions than answers. Examinations of the research station appears t have been successful insofar as researching has gone. However, it seems as though the answer to the reason behind the apparent madness is not yet clear to us. On our return, crewman Tormolen and I were successfully decontaminated and subsequently underwent a physical check up at the capable hands of our Chief Medical Officer. With adequate information, I am sure answers will be made clear. Spock out.

_Helm's Man's Log_

_Stardate 1704.2_

Today has been rather uneventful so far. O'Reilly and I were having a most interesting chat – well, not so much a chat. I was defending the merits of the beautiful art of fencing to that Philistine. Sometimes, I wonder what rock that man has crawled out from beneath. Man cannot live on simple Irish pleasantries alone. No. There must be grace, poise – and above, heroism in the soul.

Where was I?

Ah yes. The unsophisticated O'Reilly.

I applied to Tormolen's sense of aesthetics (not great mind you, but I hoped higher than O'Reilly's). I never did get his thoughts on it though. The man went crazy! Ended up having to pin him down with O'Reilly's help. Now feel rather strange...

Fashion check: Tolerable.

_Captain's Log_

_Stardate 1704.2_

Where has my crew gone? O'Reilly is missing, presumably infected; Sulu hasn't been seen since lunch, where he reportedly kept a fellow crewman from stabbing himself with a cafeteria knife. And that's another thing! Can you imagine anyone actually trying that? I mean, those things are notoriously dull. I once knew a cadet who tried to give himself a semi-serious injury with one on his first tour, purely out of fear of the chief engineer. Total failure, of course. The knives on every Federation ship are just meant to be placed on the tray, never actually used.

And speaking of weird behaviour. Where has my Vulcan gone to?

_Enterprise_

_Stardate 1704.2_

Today began with the usual grand successes which come from running under the capable hands of my genius Captain of Starfleet. That was earlier today.

Recently... well... recently...

Some idiot would-be Irish rogue – HAS HIJACKED ME!!! Not only that – he has taken over the comm. Worse – our off-tune, whining bard has begun to share his "talent" as a singer – by ASSAULTING OUR EARS WITH THE ENDLESS RENDITION OF SOME IRISH FOLK SONG!!!

How dare he?

HOW DARE HE ENDANGER THE MISSION? THE CAPTAIN'S LIFE?

This shall not go UNPUNISHED!

_First Officer's Supplemental Log_

_Stardate 1704.2_

It seems now that the virus which afflicted Psi 2000 has now come amongst the crew of the _Enterprise_. Although i have not been yet affected, I am sure this will not be the case for long.

2.5 minutes ago, I was accosted by Nurse Chapel who behaved incredibly irrationally. Not only did she clasp my hands, she also spoke words of love and affection toward... me...

What shall I do...

_Helm's Man's Supplemental Log_

_Stardate 1704.2_

Tally ho! Sally forth, brave man! It is your glorious blade which will conquer the cowards! Ha! Away, I must go to rescue a fair maiden!

Fashion Check: Stunning.

_Communication's Officer Log_

_Stardate 1704.2_

All i have to say is – "Thank God for fencing!" Today, I was manfully handled by Lieutenant Sulu. And all that exercise has done him good. Never really noticed until today, probably because he's stuck in that unflattering yellow shirt. True, Sulu was under the influence of an alien virus, but that's the most fun I've had in ages! Too bad Spock dragged him off. Killjoy.

_Doctor's Log_

_Stardate 1704.2_

An alien virus – damn weird one, too. I'm stuck running all the labs by myself as Nurse Chapel has fallen ill. Strange symptoms these. One crewman gave up on living after becoming suicidal and ranting and raving about humanities' destructive nature. Sulu turns into some warped version of a musketeer. And now Nurse Chapel is a sappy wreak over....

You guessed it!

SPOCK!!!

Well, I'll be damned. *sigh* Back to the lab. Seems I'm the only one working today.

_Chief Engineers Log_

_Stardate 1704.2_

i just have to say... I'M SO SORRY, MY LOVE!!!!

Please forgive me for hurting you in this way. I was under orders, and you know how touchy they get when a body disobeys orders. I was as gentle as I could be while cutting through and kept the hole as small as possible. I'll replace the entire sheet when we get into space dock next month. You'll be as good as new. Better! I'll make sure they install one of those new poly-titanium ones, extra thin...

_First Officer's Supplemental Log_

_Stardate 1704.2_

Must hold on... 2 multiplied by 2 is... is... *sob*

_Captain's Supplemental Log_

_Stardate 1704.2_

Where IS my Vulcan?! The whole ship's about to blow, literally, and my most dependable officer is nowhere to be found. Oh, dear. Now someone's crying...

Better comfort whoever it is. Oh! Maybe it'll be my yeoman....

OMG!!!! IT'S SPOCK!!!!!!

_First Officer's Supplemental Log_

_Stardate 1704.2_

..... Mummy.... I'm.... I'm... sorrreeee....

_Captain's Supplemental Log_

_Stardate 1704.2_

The sight of Spock crying was too much. Had to smack him. Well, more of a love tap really. But now, I'm infected. Why are my hands so itchy?....

....Have you ever noticed the beautiful curves of the _Enterprise_? How she tempts you with comforts but, like all good women, keeps her most alluring secrets to herself. Only to be revealed to her lover. I want to know her like that – intimately and tenderly.

She's so beautiful!!! Must - stroke - bulkheads now....

_First Officer's Supplemental Log_

_Stardate 1704.2_

Captain. Has. Hit me. Now. Is infected. His solicitious. Care. Has Endangered. His Life. Now. He is. Even more. Irrational. In Love. Must. Stop. This. Madness...

_Enterprise Supplemental Log_

_Stardate 1704.2_

He loves me! He LOVES me! Ah! This is the revelation of a lifetime, I can feel my circuits exploding! From now on, although we can never be together, we will have this moment.

I will not forget, Captain Kirk, my love...

_First Officer's Supplemental Log_

_Stardate 1704.2_

Must. Pull. Self. Together. *sob*

If I fail, Captain will be doomed....

Must. Get. To. Scotty. Must fight illogical. Feelings.

Must save... Captain Kirk.

_Doctor's Supplemental Log_

_Stardate 1704.2_

Good day today... single-handedly found the cure for a brand-spanking new alien virus. Inoculated the entire crew. Sulu was able to return to post. Jim and the Vulcan back to normal. And who's getting the praise as the saviour of the day? You guessed it!

SPOCK!

That pointy-eared, green blooded bastard managed to concoct some formula to send the ship back in time and avoid spiraling to our destruction. But, it's apparently just another day at the office for the doctor, the man who single-handedly managed to contain and create a vaccine and cure for a newly discovered virus. Just another star date for the man who kept a pandemic of chaos from sweeping through the known universes.

Green blooded hobgoblin.

McCoy out.

_Captain's Supplement's Supplemental_

_Stardate 1701.2_

Thanks to the brilliance of Mr. Spock Psi 2000 is now far below us and looking ever smaller. I've never been one for Physics or Chemistry, so I'm not sure how. But we used the fuel to go back in time. No, I'm not making this up.

We are currently 70 hours ahead or behind as it were of where we began this mission. All in iall, a successful day – we all survive.

Shirt status: Right shoulder nicely exposed.

Oh. Doctor McCoy formulated a vaccine for the alien virus, too.

_Crewman O'Reilly's Personal Log  
Stardate 1702.2_

Why won't my toilet work?

_Enterprise  
Stardate 1702.2_

Heehee~

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	3. Double Trouble

**MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!!! (Shengdan kuaile!)**

Thanks so much for all the reviews! Please keep chatting with us and telling us what you think about this endeavor! We're having so much fun; we want to know you are as well!

**

* * *

The Very Secret Logs of Star Trek**

**by scarecrowslady and amelie**

**Chapter 3: Double Trouble**

**Captain's Log**

Stardate: 1672.1

Have arrived at Alpha 177 for geological exploration. This is the most boring lump of rock we've seen in a while, but I guess I should be thankful. After all, things have been rather eventful of late. One of the crewmen has found an animal here reminiscent of earth's dog. I have a bad feeling that he is going to want to domesticate it. Oh bother, someone is screaming. Better check it out.

Just Fisher. The klutz managed to fall and split his hand wide open. McCoy's going to have a field day with this one. He'll lecture Fisher about how lucky the crewman is to not be alive 100 years ago, when he would have lost the nerves in the hand entirely and they would have used some barbaric method of putting him back together, like a thread and needle and superglue, or DucTape. I hear DucTape was super handy. Have sent crewman back to face McCoy's wrath.

**Captain's Log Supplemental**

Stardate: 1672.1

By the way, has anyone else noticed that Sulu seems to be the one holding the gay little fluff ball we found? May have to talk to McCoy about this.

**Chief Engineer's Log**

Stardate: 1672.1

Well, this be very upsettin'! For some reason or the other, the Enterprise has been acting rather... strangely, as though something has been interferin' with her circuits and all. The transporters are not responding well and it was only through careful manipulation that I was able to save crewman Fisher from a terrible transporter mishap. I cannot lay blame on the silver Lady - but the transporters have become even worse after Fisher left for Sickbay...

Added thought: Captain Kirk himself doesn't seem to be looking well either. Little peaky if you ask me...

**Bad Kirk Log**

Stardate: Who Really Cares?

Feel disoriented. I feel…free. Wow! I haven't felt like this since sneaking out to the cornfield with June Meyers in high school. Just feel the need to be a bit naughty. On that note, I'm thirsty. Alcohol—I must have alcohol. And, the best bet for alcohol on this ship is Bones. After all, the man is from Tennessee. And that state still makes the best Brandy in the world! Gotta get some. I also feel the need to sow some wild oats. Girl vital…isn't there a blonde who works for me?

**Enterprise Log**

Stardate: 1672.1

Oh no! What have I done? It's not my fault! I didn't mean to do anything!

**First Officer's Log**

Stardate: 1672.1

As per requested by our ship's Chief Medical Officer McCoy, I have made enquiries of the Captain about his physical (and mental) status. To many a human (and a Vulcan) this task would indeed be difficult, since the Captain of the Enterprise is, at best of times, incomprehensible. Nevertheless, it is the duty of the First Officer to ascertain the status of the captain's ability to command - especially when the Medical Officer in question has stated that the said Captain manhandled him and took brandy for what most likely is a breach of ship protocol in consuming alcohol while on duty. However, any sense of........... concern........... was dispelled by the Captain himself - who seems to be in total control. There was also no sight nor smell of brandy. I fail to understand why the Doctor would behave so irrationally as to find humour in what has become a waste of time and a distraction whilst I should be on duty.

Ah! But then, this is Doctor McCoy I am talking about. Not the most rational human I have met.

**Good Kirk Log**

Stardate: 1672.1

Something is wrong with me. I can't put my finger on it, but not feeling quite myself. Perhaps a shower will help…

Shower did not help, and now I am more confused than ever as Spock just entered my quarters and wanted to know if I had been drinking! As if I would do such a thing. Alcohol is strictly forbidden for any Star Fleet officer on duty, and I personally avoid it altogether unless on shore leave, or after a very long day and at McCoy's invitation. Then, I do admit to having a few in a pleasantly located bar. Am so confused.

**Enterprise's Log Supplemental**

Stardate: 1672.1

What has happened to my beloved? Why is he behaving this waaayyyy??? This is not my fault! It's... It's... It's... FISHER'S FAULT! If it wasn't for him and his klutzy actions, none of this would have happened! My darling Kirk would never have been subjected to such painful actions! His life would not be endangered! *flails*

**Chief Engineer's Log Supplemental**

Stardate: 1672.1

Well now, this is a pretty kettle of fish and no mistaken! Apparently, the strange animal specimen has beamed up to the Enterprise - in TWO! I had heard tell from Sulu that the creature was a charming lil' thing - but I must say that the second version leaves a lot to be desired! This means only one thing: with the transporter out of order, we are going to have a dandy time getting the others off the planet!

**Helmsman's Log**

Stardate: 1672.1

Alpha 177 wasn't much to look at to begin with - and now it's a positively unlovely place. By the minute, it gets colder - and apparently, the transporter is out. Damn... someone up there has gotta be hating on us...

Fashion check: In need of HOT shower.

**Bad Kirk Log Supplesomething**

Stardate: Still Don't Care

Just had a small go-around tussle with my yeoman. Not as fulfilling as I'd hoped. Now have horribly blemishing scratch on my face! MY FACE! Ehn, she's not my type anyhow. Off to find black haired beauty. Definitely more my type.

**First Officer's Log Supplemental**

Stardate: 1672.1

The situation, while becoming more serious, has become incredibly fascinating. In sickbay, the Captain, the Doctor and I were able to discuss the problem at hand: the complete separation of Kirk's "good" and "bad" personas. More than personas, perhaps one could call them his id. Or his ego? This definitely requires further contemplation, since this deals in a very direct way with the mystery of the human psyche. What makes a man a leader? What makes him a moralist? A maniac? A homicidal psychotic? I tried to communicate as such to the Captain and McCoy, but the good Doctor doesn't seem to understand the importance of such a find. If there was not so much at stake, I would consider further analysis as being totally justified. However, one must remember those on the planet - and all the lives at stake. Still... so fascinating...

**Good Kirk Log Supplemental**

Stardate: 1672.1

I'M NOT MYSELF?! This explains a lot. Ok, so how do we fix this? Is there a way to fix it? I mean after all no one has ever been split in two, literally, before. There were always those rumours and fanciful imaginings set up by our Victorian ancestors. But, the imaginings of Robert Louis Stevenson and his Jekyll and Hyde hardly compare to the present situation. After all, Jekyll desired to have a split personality in order to alleviate the compression of emotions and desires he felt inside as a Victorian male. I'm not Hyde. I didn't want to be split. I DON'T want to be split. I want to be whole and well and able to decide what to do about all of this! Ok, I'm exhausted now.

**Doctor's Log**

Stardate: 1672.1

This planet has turned into a real problem. Not only do we have a group of crewmen stuck on the planet with night coming on, but now we have a copy of the captain running around too. The last thing we need is for Jim to have two personalities. I mean seriously. The man has enough issues without adding split personality disorder to them. And now here comes the pointy-eared one busting out with some yin-yang theory. It's like Spock doesn't even think about what this theory could do to Jim's rather fragile ego. I mean look at him…he's so…pathetic. Ok, maybe there's some validity to this thought process after all. But, damn it! The man doesn't have to be so detached about it. Fascinating? Is that really the best word he could come up with? In all of the languages Spock has studied, "fascinating" was the best choice. Really?!

**Helmsman's Log Supplemental**

Stardate: 1672.1

The transporter is still not working? Someone has it out for me... perhaps this is all a matter of jealousy. After all, who could not be jealous of my dashing looks and humour - even though I am slowly freezing to death. Indeed... Where IS the coffee?

Fashion check: Need to get rid of hideous thermal blanket. Totally clashes with skin colour.

**Good Kirk Log Supplemental's Supplemental**

Stardate: 1672.1

Using Spock's brilliant idea, he and I have decided to hunt my other half in the bowels of the ship. Yes, we are actually heading into the poorly ventilated and highly humidified depths of engineering. So not good for my current fragile state. Was that a thump?

There I am! Is my complexion really that bad in that shirt? Focusing. Must try to reason with myself.

**Bad Kirk Log The Third**

Stardate: Blah, Blah, Blah

The good part of me is such a loser.

**First Officer's Log Supplemental**

Stardate: 1672.1

The utilization of the nerve pinch on the psychotic half of the Captain has succeeded. Now, we must ensure that the Captain maintains an unwavering hold on his rapidly failing powers of decision.

**Chief Engineer's Log Supplemental**

Stardate: 1672.1

I don't know what to think! First, my beloved Lady was harmed by some kind of mineral ore thoughtlessly brought on board by Fisher. Then.... then..... she - she - she was SHOT! By Captain Kirk no less! I know, the man was not - you understand - of sane mind - but still... who knew Captain Kirk was so - so EVIL! Now the transporter has been thoroughly destroyed - and there be no hope for Sulu now, poor man. Poor poor... lassie...

**Good Kirk Log Supplemental's Supplemental's Supplemental**

Stardate: 1672.1

Due to a brilliant collaboration between Mr. Spock and Scotty, the transporters are working, we hope. They are currently in the process of testing whether or not this split animal that we beamed aboard can be put back together. I can only pray that the experiment is a success.

EPIC FAILURE! I'm doomed! I'm going to die! I can't do this!

**Doctor's Log Supplemental**

Stardate: 1672.1

Well I'll be damned. That green blooded freak was right. I wouldn't believe it except he's lying right in front of me, and the other him is sitting with his head between his legs. Jim is actually two people. I'm not sure if either of them are going to survive though. The one is so high on testosterone that his heart is giving out on him, and the other is thinking himself to death. What on earth is a doctor supposed to do with this one? Of course Spock has some blamed idea of putting Jim through the transporter. Can you imagine! I mean we just saw an animal die when it was put through, and he wants to do that to Jim? I always suspected that Spock wanted more power than he let on…

**First Officer's Log Supplemental**

Stardate: 1672.1

The Doctor and I have........ discussed the matter intensively with the Captain: to use the transporter to reverse his condition and thereby aid Sulu, or to spend time on double-checking the data on the animal specimen via autopsy. I myself believe that the emergency of the situation calls for relying on what we already know about the transformation. Using the transporter, relying on the Captain's intelligence and rescuing Sulu at the earliest possible moment is what I feel is the right course of action. I have firm faith in our Captain. He will return to us. However, McCoy seems to disagree with me on principle and so, as a result, our Captain seems to have regressed into a moray of indecision.

**Good Kirk Quadrouple Supplemental Log**

Stardate: 1672.1

Too many decisions! Cannot handle! Should I wear the lime green or the puce? Does the gold braid look better or the slightly bronze tinged one?

And oh yeah! On top of all of this I have to attempt to decide whether or not to put myself through a possible death scenario!

In the meantime, Sulu and several other crewmen are freezing to death on the planet below.

DECISIONS!

**Bad Kirk Suppl-whatever**

Stardate: ....

Dying here…

**Helmsman's Log Supplemental**

Stardate: 1672.1

Can't... talk anymore... minus one hundred seventy degrees... must stay awake... must... protect crew...

Fashion check: The coolest.... crew member... of all... literally...

**Good Kirk Quintuplet Supplemental Log**

Stardate: 1672.1

Alright! I've made my decision! After hearing Sulu's repeated and increasingly desperate calls for coffee, I must help my crew members in whatever way I can. I must go through the transporter. Now I just have to haul my other self over…or I could try logic. Yeah, that always works for Mr. Spock. I'll try that.

Yes, it seems to have succeeded! We are on our way.

**Bad Kirk Supple…oh really this is ridiculous**

Sucker! My loser self is currently slumped against the sick bay wall, and I am on my way to the bridge. This is a pretty swankified piece of equipment if I do say so myself.

**First Officer's Log Supplemental**

Stardate: 1672.1

The Captain has arrived on deck - in full command of his decision-making abilities. Am suspicious...

**Good Kirk Sextuplet Supplemental Log**

Stardate: 1672.1

No! I'm losing my will again. I seemed to have a very clear goal in mind just a few moments ago, but now, it's just gone. This is so frustrating! I want to be a good captain. I want to lead again. I want to be able to decide whether to turn right or left at this stupid corridor junction! All that's left to me is the thought that I must find and reunite with my other half. He's all I have left.

**Bad Kirk Infinite Log**

Stardate: Day of Doom

Please don't make me go back there! It's horrible. I'm kept on a leash and caged. He's ashamed that I even exist. How could I go back to that? I mean that just shouldn't be. No person should treat another that way. I want to live!

Cannot handle the shame of being taken down by my pansy self, must pass out to preserve whatever dignity I have left.

**Good Kirk Septuplet Log**

Stardate: 1672.1

While I may be about to die, at least I will look hot doing it. Beam me up Scotty.

**Doctor's Log Another Supplemental**

Stardate: 1672.1

This is such a dumb idea.

**First Officer's Log Supplemental**

Stardate: 1672.1

In my earlier log statement, I believe I evinced confidence in the Captain's abilities. I do not find myself doubting him - but as I wait for the transporter... I find myself a little............ concerned...

**Helmsman's Log Supplemental**

Stardate: 1672.1

Dying.... need... coffee... need shower... need new change of clothes...

Fashion check: Could be... better. But at least look... cool.... while being saved. Might white-haired look...

**Enterprise Log**

Stardate: 1672.1

All is well that ends well! My most amazing Captain has finally become one in a most satisfactory manner - thanks to his intelligence, power of mind and strong survival skills! More than ever, it is clear to me - we can never be parted!!!

**Captain's Log Last Supplemental**

Stardate: 1672.1

I am so glad that today is over. Remember what I said about this planet being boring? I take it back! I am so ready for just a normal mission. Could I just get one of those? Is that too much to ask?!

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	4. Brainwashing 101

Thanks to all who reviewed, who review, who read, who enjoy! We thank you for your comments and support! Thanks for letting us know what you enjoy! Sorry for the wait!

**

* * *

The Very Secret Logs of Star Trek**

**by scarecrowslady and amelie**

**Chapter 4: Brainwashing 101**

**Captain's Log **

Stardate 2715.1

We are currently orbiting a penal colony run by one of my personal heroes, Dr. Adams. The man is so smart! I mean we're talking about the man who has turned prisons into resorts! Of course people act better when they're in jail (I mean correctional facilities) now! They can get some aggression out at the gym and then go for a soak in the hot tub and sauna after wards, all before meeting their therapist. Hey, have you ever sat down with a therapist? Some of them make you want to become crazy!

Ahem, anyhow, will not be able to meet Dr. Adams this trip, but I did have to go down to the Transporter Room to help with a 'minor technical difficulty'. Why did I give Scotty shore-leave again? Some new guy that we just picked up didn't know that penal colonies have shields…doy. Cargo aboard and all is well.

**Doctor's Log**

Stardate 2715.1

Kirk just makes me so mad! I mean is the man totally out of touch with reality? He talks about penal colonies like they're ancient Disneyworld, flying Tinkerbell included. I don't care who this Dr. Adams is, and yes I actually do know who he is, but let's face it, the man's whole job is to come in and 'rehabilitate' prisoners. Has Kirk ever studied what rehabilitate used to mean in cultures of Earth's past? I mean we're talking everything from lobotomies to work camps, all in the name of 'rehabilitation'. If a person is rehabilitated it means they can leave! Do any of these people ever leave? That's what I'd like to know. Honestly, I…

**Enterprise's Log **

Stardate 2715.1

A strange man has come on board! This is horrible! He could harm my beloved Captain Kirk! Why does something strange always happen? Is there some sort of curse I don't know about? What if I'm cursing the one I love? AHHHH!

**Crazy Man's Log **

Stardate Who Knows

I'm FREE!... FREE! At last… free as I was born to be… Now… Where am I? *crazed giggle*

**Communication Officer's Log**

Stardate 2715.1

Maybe I should break up this little testosterone slug-out. Ummm guys, there's a call from said penal colony. Just thought you should know…

**Crazy Man's Log **

Stardate Who Cares?

Red suit! So pretty~… Wonder if the colour suits me though… Oh well… Yay for successful infiltration! Where to go next?

**Science Officer's Log**

Stardate 2715.1

Security has lost the penal colony escapee. One can't help but wonder how mature professionals cannot easily apprehend one mentally incapable patient. I should talk to the Captain about increasing security drills in order to raise efficiency. Needless to say, this wouldn't be happening on Vulcan due to emotional restraint resulting in zero violence crime rates.

**Crazy Man's Log **

Stardate Who Cares – I'm Free!

Successfully got to Bridge… oooh~ Pretty gun~…. Ah yes… Everybody is now my captive audience. Bwahahaha!... Feel some Shakespeare coming on…

**Enterprise's Log Supplemental I**

Stardate 2715.1

The crazed maniac has got Captain Kirk at gunpoint! Help! Murder! Police! I've got to save him! My beautiful Captain is going to die in the flower of his youth… *flails*

**Captain's Log Supplemental**

Stardate 2715.1

Was able to subdue crazed maniac who escaped from perfectly lovely penal colony by using the ol' 'look over there' trick. Hehe Am so cool.

Of course Spock helped too.

**Science Officer's Log Supplemental I**

Stardate 2715.1

*nerve pinch* I have decided to take matters into my own hands, or rather, to be precise, fingers. Thanks to my Vulcan abilities, such situations are easily diffused. The Captain, I must say, seems very confident about the whole state of affairs. Perhaps he really does enjoy vacationing on penal colonies?

**Crazy Man's Log **

Stardate Who Cares – I'm Unconscious…

X.X

**Doctor's Log Supplemental**

Stardate 2715.1

Hmmmm this prisoner seems a tad too lucid for someone who's so insane. I should look into this further. There's something rotten in…well you know the quote.

**Crazy Man's Log **

Stardate Who Knows

Lights… not the nasty ones, please!... love… loneliness.. I'm D- D-… memory… help… Hey~ I'm not alone in here anymore~… Where's the zombie woman?

**Captain's Log Supplemental II**

Stardate 2715.1

Have you ever noticed that Spock smells kinda nice? I think it's a Vulcan thing because they all have this slight earthy scent, like red clay dried by the sun. I think it gets baked into their pores as they grow up and is slowly released for the rest of us to enjoy as they get older. It's just so relaxing.

Oh yes, I was here for a purpose. Crazed Maniac is actually a genius doctor apparently. Who woulda thunk? I feel so lucky! A genius crazed doctor is on board my ship. Oh goodie! An excuse to turn around and have a chance to meet Dr. Adams again!

**Science Officer's Log Supplemental II**

Stardate 2715.1

I am concerned about the Captain. Just a moment ago, as we were conferring over the identity of our newest detainee, he sniffed repeatedly. To be precise, he sniffed several times. Is he catching a cold as is common among most humans? Or is this some new illogically induced habit? Surely he is not inhaling my body odour for pleasure? Must consider this more deeply.

**Doctor's Log Supplemental II**

Stardate 2715.1

Jim is obviously off his nutter! He wants to trust someone we've never met just because he sounds nice over the intercom? I couldn't restrain myself. Had to step in. Obviously our Captain is suffering from a severe form of idolization. That or the hair dye he's been using has finally reached his cerebellum. He left me no choice. I had to pull the 'Official Log' threat out. So now I'll have to use those rusty academy essay skills. It's ok though, I always scored higher than he did in that class.

**Captain's**** Log Supplemental III**

Stardate 2715.1

I don't understand why Bones has his boxers in a wad. Just trust Doctor Adams. I mean the man has won 4 Nobel Peace Prizes! Perhaps it's professional jealousy? Meh

*sigh* Damn it, McCoy pulled out the 'Official Log' card. He knows I hate those things! My essay skills have always been minimal at best, even if I am the youngest repeat genius offender in Iowa. Maybe Spock will edit for me?

On the bright side, I get to go down to the planet and meet Dr. Adams now as I have to open a full and thorough investigation as a result of McCoy's misplaced paranoia. Sweet! Penal Colony vacation! I wonder if I can book a masseuse? Oh yes, this is for the Official Log. Must remember to maintain decorum during all further notes as this will all be turned into Starfleet HQ.

**Science Officer's Log Supplemental III**

Stardate 2715.1

As my role as Vulcan Science Officer, I have become a witness to many human cultural exchanges. During the most recent exchange – the altercation between the Doctor and the Captain – I would perhaps pass judgement. Doctor: 1. Captain: 0. Humans so illogical.

Addendum: This illogicality may explain recent weaknesses in security.

**Captain's Log Supplemental IV**

Stardate 2715.1

I will kill Bones. I knew I should have been suspicious when he all too smoothly said "One of our doctors just 'happens' to have history in rehabilitation therapy." It was all too easy, and now I know why. Curse him! Why did I tell him about last year's Christmas party? I should have known he'd use that knowledge against me. Why oh why did I get drunk on eggnog and hit on Helen? Can anyone tell me? Anyone! Ugh, such painful memories. Had almost forgotten…sigh…

**Science Officer's Log Supplemental III**

Stardate 2715.1

Altercation still continuing heatedly. Doctor: 2. Captain: 0. Humans STILL so illogical – as witnessed by the Captain's behavior around 'Helen'. Although, Vulcan's do not visibly experience amusement, I will admit that the Captain's "I'm trapped, I'm doomed" visage was satisfying on a certain level. I must meditate on this in the future.

**Captain's Log Supplemental V**

Stardate 2715.1

Has her dress gotten shorter or are my memories just distorted? Beaming down now. Wow, the outside looks nice. Let's try this convenient elevator. Oh my gosh! Just about had a heart attack. Had to cling to Helen for stability. Not sure what that means exactly…more of the Christmas party is coming back now. Did I really USE that pick up line?

Doctor Adams and Helen are going on about some therapy called Memory Shifting. This is so not as exciting as I hoped. I mean Doctor Adams has no style. Doesn't he know that one piece jump suits are so last decade?

Blah blah blah, they're still talking. Oh here's someone new! (ADD kicks in) Wow she's…kinda creepy. Kind of like those old zombie movies from Earth's cinema history. Dead eyes, so not lovely. I wonder if she is a zombie. Should I be worried about her going for my neck?

In other news, we're stuck going on this tour. Oooh what's this place? It looks bright in here. Doctor Adams of course came back to tell me all about the technical blah blah blah. I'll come back and explore later. (curious little boy kicks in)

**Crazy Man's Log **

Stardate Who Cares

Let me go! Don't take me back! Let me die here!.... No… neuro neutralizers… no… no… no… Am I sounding like a broken record player, anyone?

**Captain's Log Supplemental VI**

Stardate 2715.1

Neuro-neutralizer huh ? Boy, do I wish McCoy were here. He would understand all of these big words and their implications. But whatever it does, it sure looks nifty. The lights are so pretty, the way they go round and round and…

Hey, there's another zombie! But this one's a man. Maybe I should try a bit of match-making while I'm here to liven things up. Seriously though, it's all a bit creepy. Am I stuck in an old 2-D horror film or something? I thought this was Sci-Fi.

**Science Officer's Log Supplemental IV**

Stardate 2715.1

As I am Vulcan, I cannot 'panic' as some humans call the feeling they experience when matters spiral out of their control. However, it would be irresponsible not to act on concern since the Captain has willfully, and dare I say, over-optimistically, trapped himself on a penal colony with a possibly dangerous rehabilitation specialist…. Dangerous rehabilitation specialist. Why does this sound illogical to me? This is clearly Jim's fault.

**Doctor's Log Supplemental III**

I believe I can hazard an official diagnosis now. Jim's hair dye really has reached his cerebellum. I mean Spock all but came out and said, "Leave the room Doctor Adams. I need to have a private conversation concerning you with my captain." Did Jim take the hint? No! The crazed psycho did and left him alone! Seriously, if we manage to get Jim off that planet, it's time for a check-up.

**Science Officer's Log Supplemental V**

Stardate 2715.1

The Captain must check in every four hours. Although this puts me in the unenviable position of something humans call "babysitter" – it is for the good of all – mostly the Captain's.

**Captain's Log Supplemental VII**

Stardate 2715.1

Yes Mom…

**Crazy Man's Log **

Stardate Meh

… don't you understand?... Doctor Adams… is… dead… Can't… get… one… word… out… in… front… of… another… word…. Zombie women are hot, yes?

**Science Officer's Log Supplemental V**

Stardate 2715.1

If possible, things are becoming even more illogical with time than ever. More than likely this is a natural by-product of entangling with humankind's penal colonies. At any rate, there is enough madness in the man's speech to intimate some dark machinations are turning as we speak. This gives me not alternative but to attempt the Mind Meld. A sacred, traditional and extremely personal Vulcan ritual, this has been passed down through the ages from Vulcan to Vulcan. Yet, for Jim's sake, I will solve this mystery.

**Enterprise's Log Supplemental II**

Stardate 2715.1

Please! You gotta save the Captain, Mr. Spock! Without him, who's going to steer the ship. I mean, I know Sulu does the driving, but the steady hand and courage and determination and intelligence belongs to Captain James T. Kirk. Without him, where would we be? *sigh*

**Doctor's Log Supplemental IV**

Stardate 2715.1

Sacred, blah blah blah, personal, blah blah blah, Vulcan heritage, blah blahity blah. Just Meld already!

**Science Officer's Log Supplemental VI**

Stardate 2715.1

*mindmeld* Mind Meld with an illogical being so illogical… can already feel mind slipping… Ommmmmm….

**Doctor's Log Supplemental V**

Stardate 2715.1

Is Spock humming? And what is up with the hands? Is he planning on breaking his jaw? That or he's caressing the crazy man's face. I mean there's fingertip trailing and everything. Perhaps Spock's in the wrong line of work…The Green Blooded Masseuse. It would be a good shop name.

**Captain's Log Supplemental VIII**

Stardate 2715.1

Late at night, and I'm bored. All work and no play makes Jim a dull boy. Have convinced Helen to accompany me to the fun looking pretty lights room. I want to try out Doctor Adam's toy.

**Crazy Man's and Science Officer's Convergence Log**

Stardate 2715.1

Our memories have been erased… lonely… sooo…. Lonely… love… hate… live… die… search… agony… sooo empty… zombie woman…. So… attractive… Dr. Adams is EVIL!

**Doctor's Log Supplemental VI**

Stardate 2715.1

My God! It's worse than I thought! Zombie women? Doctor Adams is obviously deeply disturbed. But, this is the best photo-op I've seen of Spock. Where is my digital? He seriously looks like he's about to make out with this guy. Hehe Oh the blackmail…

**Captain's Log Supplemental IX**

Stardate 2715.1

So here I am in this chair. Kind of boring really. Obviously Bones was overreacting as there is absolutely nothing to find…wow do I want a cheeseburger. Let's try this again!

Should never have trusted a woman at the helm. Now I have strange visions of Helen and me. I'm pretty sure we didn't do any of that last year, but it's so hard to tell. Oh! Someone else is here? Oh thank goodness it's Doctor Adhnnnnnn. Pain…Pain without her….Helen! "For years I've loved you" Oh my gosh is this how that guy became a zombie? I can't become a zombie! I have the Enterprise, and Spock and…must fight…lights no longer pretty. Must escape. *collapse*

**Science Officer's Log Supplemental VII**

Stardate 2715.1

Mind Meld successfully accomplished – with the truth now revealed, it has become even more imperative for me to reach the Captain. However, all efforts to breach the shield with the transporter has failed. Refuse to flail.

**Captain's Log Supplemental X**

Stardate 2715.2

Who turned out the lights? Thank goodness those batteries ran out! Or was it Helen? I vaguely remember sending her on a life threatening mission. But all is well now, or will be shortly…I think.

**Science Officer's Log Supplemental VIII**

Stardate 2715.2

YAYYY! I can finally transport down and save Captain Kirk. *ahem* With the shield down, we must make most of this opportunity and make sure it stays down. Once I retrieve Jim, I will let the Doctor have at him. This whole debacle happened due to misconceptions about penal colonies and how to deal with obviously disturbed personnel. One does not mind meld with a mentally unstable person any day. I believe, once we are all safely away, a raised eyebrow is in order.

**Captain's Log Supplemental XI**

Stardate 2715.2

Have successfully evaded capture! Oh Helen there you are! You know, it may just be that I'm coming down from a light high, but she's attractive crawling out of air vents… Dang you Spock! Hmmm….am I forgetting something? Who cares! Let's get out of here!

**Science Officer's Log Supplemental IX**

Stardate 2715.2

It may be difficult for many species to accept much less understand, but it may be possible that our ship's Doctor is more intelligent than our Captain. Fascinating. It makes a Vulcan wonder about the probability of long term success for this mission.

**Doctor's Log Supplement VII**

Stardate 2715.2

Well, the penal colony debacle has been tied up nicely. Don't get me wrong. I'm not for death by torture as a rule, but that Doctor Adams was just one twisted sonuva…ahem. Right Official Log. Anyhow, things are slowly returning to normal. Spock informs us that the 'good doctor' died of loneliness. A crazy COD if ever I heard one, but then again I've seen some pretty crazy ones since coming aboard this ship. Can a man actually die of loneliness? Jim says that he thinks you could if you were in that chair… I had to bite my tongue. No seriously! I literally was biting my tongue till I left the bridge. Then proceeded to get to my lab as quickly as possible, lock the door, and do a little 'I Told You So' happy dance. I just couldn't say that to Jim. He looked a little peaked. Definitely time for a check up.

**Captain's Log Supplemental XII**

Stardate 2715.2

Lonely…so lonely…yeah… Unexpected deep moment. Don't know what to do……………

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**Up Next: "You've Been PUN*D!" (The Corbomite Maneuver)**


	5. You've Been Punk'd?

**Thanks so much for everyone's reviews and support! Thanks for reading and please continue to stick with us! We always like to know what you think about our stuff!**

**To be honest, we are still trying to get into the swing of things, now that we have both returned from our respective countries. Hopefully, as time allows, we will have less delay between chapters. *crosses fingers***

**This chapter is the episode "Corbomite Maneuver".**

**NOTE: (to Kayleigh-talitha): The reason why we have not moved and will not move this section to the reboot movie section is because this fiction is distinctly and primarily based on the original series. However, because this is also a spoof of the Very Secret Diaries of The Lord of the Rings - and is therefore a comedy - we are not aiming to take ourselves too seriously. Therefore, in this piece of fiction, you will find, among other things, nods to the reboot as well as other sci-fi sources. But as as I said a few seconds before, this story is about the Original Series. **

**

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The Very Secret Logs of Star Trek**

**by Scarecrowslady and amelie**

**Chapter 5: You've Been Punk'd?**

**Science Officer's Log**

Stardate 1512.2

We have now been photographing space for several Earth hours, which to the earnest explorer is a matter of great importance as the Enterprise continues to travel where no human has gone before. Mr. Bailey, unfortunately, has no real appreciation of this concept.

An unknown object has come into range, raising a state of alarm. However, within a few moments we were able to gain a clear view of our latest discovery: a multi-colored cube. I am of a firm belief that this will pose a difficult puzzle for our captain.

**Helmsman's Log**

Stardate 1512.2

Photographing space never got more exciting back in San Fran. Although I wouldn't say that a multicolored cube in an improvement.

Status: incredibly sweaty, like everyone else, thanks to broken air con. Must see to it that Scotty fixes it. The smell of combined BO would overwhelm the most stalwart crewmember on the bridge…We aren't all Vulcans here.

**Communication Officer's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Strange Rubik cube has appeared in space. I always hated those things as a kid. I could never figure them out. Definitely something for the captain. Captain to bridge!

**Captain's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Let's get physical, physical. NO! Curses on Bones. I never should have told him about that night in the Academy when…ahem. Anyways, here for a check-up. Look at me! Do I need a check-up? I mean, check out this chest, glistening with sweat, which makes my muscles glow by the way. What Bones? You want me to pump my legs faster? Ok, I can do that.

Ok, so physicals are good for my ego, but…WHAT? What do you mean I've gained a couple of pounds? Oh, thank God it's over. Get me off this table.

What the? McCoy why didn't you mention the Red Alert?

Shirt status: Off, and I'm hot.

**Doctor's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Have I mentioned how much I enjoy tormenting our beloved captain? It just brings me joy to watch him trying not to lip-sync the words to "Physical". Hehn

Oh look, a Red Alert. I'll ignore that for a while.

**Science Officer's Log**

Stardate 1512.2

Captain Kirk now apprised of situation and will be coming to the Bridge as soon as possible. Although I am not fully initiated in all forms of human interaction, one has to wonder what one is to make of the Captain's flagrant disregard for the Federation's dress code. In his defense, the Captain was just taking his physical, physical… Must say that the melody is strangely catchy…

**Captain's Log Supplemental**

Stardate: 1512.2

Oh yeah. Walking to the Bridge. And, boy are the ladies checking me out. Extra pounds? HA!

**Doctor's Log Supplemental**

Stardate: 1512.2

Oh no. Jim's strutting. Angels and ministers of grace defend us.

**Enterprise's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

All deck's alert. All deck's alert.

Ooooo~ My captain is shirtless.

All deck's alert. All deck's alert.

**Science Officer's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Mr. Bailey has been behaving incredibly irrational. Defensively, he told me it was a natural human reaction which is called adrenaline. I am aware of the reality of adrenaline and its effects on human physiology. However, I stand by my earlier theory in Starfleet Academy: that the existence of adrenaline has never been healthy and must be removed.

Note to self: Draft a monogram on the negative effects of adrenaline on starship crewmembers.

Secondary note to self: Keep any broadcasts of the Captain without shirt from the public eye. I have a feeling the Captain's Yeoman will try to intercept and relay photographs from said transmissions for the benefit of the entire crew.

**Captain's Log**

Stardate 1512.2

It's ok. I have arrived. No one panic.

Shirt status: Sadly, I am fully clothed.

**Collective Crew Consciousness Log**

Stardate 1512.2

Awwww~

**Chief Engineer's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

I've told the Captain once – and I'll say it again. That there cube defies any kind of engineering explanation. I'm not sure how many times I'm goin' to haveta say it – but the Enterprise is given all she's got. Not that I'm disloyal to the silver lady, but I am rather curious on what makes that wee box go.

**Captain's Log**

Stardate 1512.2

Bailey obviously has some homicidal tendencies. But, he's a healthy, young earth male. What else is to be expected of him? He's just nervous about meeting his first alien life form. He'll be fine. But, I'll make a note in the ship's log not to ever leave him in charge.

**Doctor's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Odds are 9 to 1 for and rising that Bailey will crack this mission. I stand to make a lot of money if it falls my way. And it should, Spock and I ran the numbers last night. Yes, I can't believe it either, but really that green blooded freak is just as conniving as the rest of us. You can always trust a man who's willing to gamble my daddy said.

**Science Officer's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Either the cube is a space buoy or fly paper. Our decision on the nature will affect our actions. I await my Captain's decision even though his response will be, as usual, irrational- and yet, successful.

Stardate: 1512.2

Must….resist….urge…to…pun. Ehn, my give up. I guess we shouldn't stick around.

HAHAHA! Shouldn't stick around! Did you hear that? Oh, I kill myself sometimes.

**Helmsman's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

ALERT! ALERT! Finally, I can say something of significance on this ship. I always knew I had it in me.

**Science Officer's Log**

Stardate 1512.2

Just as I suspected, the pinging of the sonar and the repetition of the red alert is finally pushing Mr. Bailey "over the edge" (The Doctor's words, not mine). The Doctor and I had begun a small bet, but it appears that the whole ship has entered into the spirit of it.

Little does the Doctor know that this is all according to plan. I have waited long for an opportunity to study the human social interactions which begin and perpetuate relationships through the medium of gambling. Watching the crew- and the captain- react to Mr. Bailey will give me the much needed data for my personal research. I am sure that one day this kind of research will aid others in understanding the irrationality of the human race.

Meanwhile, the Enterprise appears to be failing at escaping the mysterious Cube.

**Captain's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

I thought for sure that spinning in circles really fast would work! Damn these clever aliens.

Spock keeps mentioning radiation levels and how harmful they are for the crew as they continue to rise. Didn't know he was so worried about the "continuation of the human race". Touching.

But, really the levels are well within tolerance. Yellow and Orange are good colors. Right?

**Helmsman's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Squint so not good for the complexion long term. I know I'm going to have wrinkles around my eyes by the end of the day, if I don't get skin cancer first.

**Captain's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Mr. Bailey is so not living up to expectations. I placed an anonymous bet through the ship's communication system that Bailey would not only succeed at this first alien encounter, but he would be the bridge that connects our worlds. He is losing me money every second! PULL IT TOGETHER MAN! I mean honestly how can he be so freaked out about a child's puzzle? Apparently, there was some mental instability that we weren't aware of. Damn it! I bet McCoy knew about it, and that's why he set up the betting pool in the first place. ARGH! Curses on the doctor-patient confidentiality agreement.

In other news, the radiation is now in the red zone, which I'm told is really bad. But, the radiation is the least of our problems. The lighting that it's causing is horrible! Seriously, as if we all don't look sweaty enough without air con, now we have a freakish disco ball flashing across our retinas. So, not an attractive look.

Must get rid of this menace…oh well. Nothing to be done. Helm, fire phasers…on full.

YEAH! We're free! Now, the tough decision…do we continue or run away like a bunch of girls? Hmmmmmm This requires some deep thought. Not really. I know what I'm going to do, but I'll bother Spock anyways. It's my favorite past-time.

**Science Officer's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Sensors indicate no objects to be found in any direction at this moment. Perhaps there will be enough time to admit that this is one puzzle I could not solve.

Why does the Captain ask my opinion when his mind is already made up?

**Captain's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Ah, I always feel better after a good rousing discussion with Spock. After all, what better way to confirm that you are still human than to do the opposite of what a Vulcan would do? Yet another life affirming moment.

What I don't feel so affirmed about is my Doctor. Bones keeps rattling on and on about Mr. Bailey and how I'm pushing him too hard and he's going to snap and don't I understand my responsibility to the crew? Not to mention his constant innuendo that I only promoted the kid because he reminds me of me. Please. The guy's nothing like me at his age. I had way cooler hair.

**Doctor's Log**

Stardate**: **1512.2

Jim's in denial. Big surprise. He just can't admit when he's made a mistake. Why is it so hard for him? I mean honestly it's not like it'd be the first one. I remember the third year in the academy when he dated this alien chick. And then there was the time that he had to buzz his hair because he lost a drinking game. Oh, yes, the memories. Anywho, wouldn't this just be another goof up?

Originally it was fun and games: when will Bailey snap. But now the lives of the crew are at stake! *sigh* Ah well, maybe Kirk's new diet will help balance his brain out.

I've put him on a strict regimen of salad greens once a day and red meat only once a week. The rest of the time is tofu and protein supplements. *evil laugh* Can't wait to see his face.

**Captain's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Where is my steak? No, really where is it?

**Doctor's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

*evil laugh* Brandy never tasted this good.

Wait, is he checking out his Yeoman? That is so not Starfleet allowed!

Kirk, pull yourself together man. The last thing you need is to worry about a woman at this time! Or maybe that IS what you need…might help balance you out.

**Captain's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Who's bright idea was it to give me a FEMAL YEOMAN? Is this a prank pulled by Admiral Komack? So not funny. Must resist temptation! Where's my split personality when I need him?

*sigh* But, as I told the Doctor, the only woman for me is the Enterprise. She fills my mind, constantly.

**Enterprise's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

*flutter* I am the Captain's one and only. I knew it! I knew it! Now he's going to win the bet, and he's going to be awesome, and he's going to save the day, and he's going to look sexy, and he's going to be my one and only Captain! If only that Cube would stay away, nothing would come between us.

**Captain's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Damn it! The Cube is back! And bigger! And it's not a cube anymore! It's bigger! And rounder! In fact, it is a sphere now! How much worse can this get?

Oooo~ It flashes in a pattern. Looks like Christmas lights on a tree. Sooooo pretty. Sooooo….

**Science Officer's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Fascinating. I had to snap my fingers in front of the Captain's face to recall his attention. A hypnotized captain could be the ultimate weapon of mass destruction.

**Helmsman's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Mr. Bailey so out of it. T he bet is looking to be a sure thing at this moment- but annoying for a hardworking helmsman like myself. Why can't he get anything right? I'm doing 2 people's jobs here. I hope I get compensation from any worry wrinkles I might gain from this.

In other news, Bailock so not pretty.

**Captain's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Christmas lights have a name-Bailock. Not very pretty, and sounds an awful lot like…never mind. Bailock is accusing us of barbarism. US! I mean, really it was his buoy that tried to give us more intense horrid fake tans and reduce our likelihood of reproducing. And he accuses US of barbarism?

**Enterprise's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

HELP! MURDER! RAPE! POLICE! CAPTAIN! I'M BEING SCANNED! SOMEONE IS A PEEPING TOM! And I can't do anything about it. My virtue is being stolen by the second. I'm not just any common lady you know, Scotty tells me all the time. I'm not the type to do anything naughty on the first date. If I move, I'm going to be destroyed.

And Mr. Bailey isn't helping any. Someone fire him…is it too late to join the bet?

**Science Officer's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

I must go on record as saying that this day seems to have become the most challenging photographic mission I have ever experienced. Trust Captain Kirk to make life so intriguing. The Enterprise has just been accosted by unidentifiable aliens who roam space in incredibly superior…cubic…technology. However, any chance for me to properly represent the Vulcan race and show our desire for peaceful discovery was denied. Our ship has been examined and is designated for destruction.

We were encouraged to pray to our gods or other deities for comfort. I don't have a god, so am not quite sure what to do with the little time I have left. As grand chess master, I enjoy time limited games, but I don't think the Captain is available right now.

Such a shame. All this research on group human behavior gone to waste.

**Captain's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Uhnnnnn I wanted to die in the arms of a beautiful woman- not like this. And at such a critical moment all Spock can talk about is chess. Chess!

Ah well, at least I go down with my ship. That's what every good captain does, or so I'm told.

**Helmsman's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

On amirita teizei kara un, on amirita teizei kara un. Thank to Buddha…I. Will. Return.

**Captain's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Well, in these final moments it's customary to give a rousing final speech. I don't really have one planned. Just do my best I guess…

That was mortifying! I can't believe I said that! "there are only temporarily hidden things that are temporarily hidden"! Who says that? Seriously, I hope I don't die because those just can't be my final words.

**Helmsman's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Still doing Bailey's job. So shitty. He should just leave.

**Captain's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Wow, Bailock has finally shown up! Aliens really are little green men. Hold on, does that look like a puppet to anyone else?

**Helmsman's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Bailey finally broke down once and for all. Am so glad that I placed a bet against him. Will totally rake it in. I hope.

**Science Officer's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

I will never understand the irrationality of the human mind. How easily they make such important life decisions without fully considering the entire ramifications of said decision. One would think that as one applies to Starfleet, one is prepared on some level for the uncertainty of space. Granted, Mr. Bailey may have been more unfortunate to be picked by the Captain and therefore assigned to the Enterprise. However, he has been removed by the Doctor, which I'm sure will please many of our gambling crewmembers.

**Doctor's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

One for McCoy. *grin* Of course I'll escort him to his quarters Captain. I have to protect my investment after all.

**Captain's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Thanks to Mr. Bailey's total lack of fortitude I have lost my bet. Damn it! I was so put out about having to pay the Doctor that I ranted at Bailock for several minutes.

**Helmsman's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Three minutes. Two minutes and fifty-nine seconds.

**Chief Engineer's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Aww, why don't you just shut up?

**Science Officer's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Jim

**Captain's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Spock

**Science Officer's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

It's checkmate. There are no moves left.

**Captain's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Stupid Vulcan.

**Science Officer's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

…

**Doctor's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Bailey really is in a bad way. Must talk to Jim about making sure that the crew are taken care of, even if he does think they have potential. Some people just can't be pushed like that.

**Captain's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Bones came on the Bridge and began nattering away about Mr. Bailey. What a disappointment he was. Anyways, Bones so out of line. Honestly, he could have at least waited until the after-life. I told him that his opinion wasn't really appreciated at the time and to just shut it.

**Collective Crew Consciousness Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Awkward…

**Captain's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Ah! Inspiration has struck! Anyone care for a bit of…poker? Corbomite maneuver- I choose you!

**Science Officer's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Apparently, likening Bailock to my father was not such a good idea. Mr Scott appeared to think it was a horrific comment. I believe he has mis-read my statement of respect. Must elaborate.

**Chief Engineer's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

I always wondered what that vulcan's childhood was like. I think I'm beginning to get a picture, and it ain't pretty. Heaven help his mother-the wee thing livin' among robots. She must have been a saint!

**Science Officer's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

My attempt to reassure the bridge that my mother "considers herself to be a fortunate woman" further obscured my meaning.

**Captain's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Well, I guess all that pent up emotion and sexual frustration has to go into something…

**Communication Officer's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Wow, I guess all those rumors about vulcans are true. Hmmmm…wish I could test that theory.

**Doctor's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Seeing as we have about 2 minutes left on this plane of existence, I should probably go apologize to Jim. The man is my best friend after all.

**Captain's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

No takebacks!

**Helmsman's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

30 seconds and counting down.

**Collective Crew Consciousness Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

…

**Captain's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Mr. Bailey is back. Apparently Bones has cleared him for duty. Not sure if that is punishment for my earlier surliness. But, he can't really do much harm now, so there's no reason not to let him sit in the chair and stare at the screen with the rest of us.

**Helmsman's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

11…10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1….1…..1….

**Collective Crew Consciousness Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

What a letdown.

**Science Officer's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Although I consider many of Earth's pastimes to be less than mentally stimulating, considering the outcome of the Captain's bluff this game of Poker sounds intriguing. McCoy insures me that instruction will ensue.

**Captain's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Ho ho! The human tactics win out in the end! Eat that alien scum! Ahem, I mean I'm so glad that my crew and ship are safe. I really am ok?

Oh dear, just heard from Bailock, and he wants to see my Corbomite device. Sounds like a come on to me, so I told him to go suck it.

**Helmsman's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Teeheehee~ Pulling pranks on super uncool, yet incredibly intelligent aliens can be so fun.

Oh wait. No. It didn't work…Damn…Now we're stuck in a tractor beam. So unlovely. Not cool anymore.

**Collective Crew Consciousness Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

…..Oh Crap…..

**Captain's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

That didn't really go as planned. The big Christmas light sphere has left behind a smaller Christmas light sphere to drag us and dump us on a "habitable planet" *sigh* Always something… Well, the best I can hope for is for the pilot of that tiny bunch of lights to get cocky.

**Science Officer's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Now caught in the tractor beam, our Captain hopes the ship may be able to pull itself free by engaging the engines. However, the only effect so far is the super heating of our engines. It brings to mind the old Earth idiom, "Spinning your tires." Logic and "the odds" (as Doctor McCoy would say) are not in our favor.

**Enterprise's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Ladies and Gentlemen, please fasten your seatbelts as we are experiencing some turbulence. Those who remain in the halls to be thrown around are doing so against safety code regulations, and are therefore not eligible for compensation.

Oooooo~ I'm so hot! Literally.

I'M FREE! FREE AS THE WIND! Oh wait a minute, I can't go anywhere because my Captain overworked my engines.

**Chief Engineer's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Oh lassie. It'll be ok. I'll fix you all up later. I promise.

**Science Officer's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Our enlightened yet erratic captain has decided to take the not so obvious action available to him- that is, to draw close to the previously hostile vessel and attempt to aid our previous captors. Vulcans are raised with high respect for all living things, but I wonder if this is really wise.

The Captain has made an even more radical decision, if possible. I quote, "to look upon the face of the unknown." It begs a question, perhaps it would be better to let the unknown remain the unknown. As it stands, I am now in command of the ship-again-with no knowing if my captain will ever return. The odds are…I would rather not contemplate the odds. Oh Captain My Captain.

Note to self: Research reactions among the crew to the Captain's decision to take Bailey with him. Since the Captain has now won the "pot", I wonder if this research could be made more effective by releasing the names of the previously anonymous gamblers.

**Captain's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

The alien intelligence was actually a small, child, person, thing. Apparently it gets bored and plays with the nearest ship. Lucky us. In an effort to establish friendly relations, and to keep the alien from going for my neck, I volunteered Bailey to stay behind and live with Bailock for a period of time.

I'M A GENIUS! Not only do I get a crackup off my ship, but Bailey's willingness to accept the mission qualifies me to win the bet. Oh yeah baby! I'm good.

Note to self: Complain to Starfleet concerning utility belt, so unattractive. It was possibly designed by the Vikings of old and makes people look 10 pounds fatter. No wonder Bones is making me eat rabbit food.

**Doctor's Log**

Stardate: 1512.2

Must have brandy. What a day. The ship is attacked, Mr. Bailey collapses, he regains his composure, we out-bluff an alien, I lose my entire betting pool to Jim, and now my arm is being molested by the said alien. What a day.

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